TERRY FENWICK'S BOOK OF MANAGEMENT

It's tough being a new manager. Luckily, in the dark, dusty dungeons below the imposing edifice formerly known as Fortress Fratton, our Terry has found a book to help him through these difficult first few months. Frattonise is pleased, nay proud to reveal exclusively to its reader that it has acquired a copy of "Terry Fenwick's Big Brown Book of Soccer Management" (joined-up writing edition) (sponsored by Avery).

Chapter 1

JOINING THE CLUB

  1. Say "Hello".
  2. Meet the press. Remember to say, "This club is a sleeping giant." Avoid answering questions.
  3. Tell the lads they all have an equal chance to impress. Don't let them know you think they're all crap.
  4. Buy one of them dead smart calf-length Asics coats.
  5. Bring in new back-room staff so you don't need to spend time with these gits.
  6. Find out how much you can spend on the transfer market.
  7. Announce you,re going to buy someone and people will be pleasantly surprised. Especially you - there is no money.
  8. Weigh the players.
Chapter 2

TRAINING

  1. Run around a bit and do some shouting.
  2. Weigh the players.
  3. Have a kickabout.
  4. Weigh the players.
  5. Teach them all you know about defending: keep sticking your hand up for offside and if that doesn't work, kick the bastard.
  6. Weigh the players.
  7. Work out that brilliant corner routine. That's the one where the Pompey players stand around in the box while Macca kicks the ball straight to their goalie.
  8. Weigh the players.
  9. Talk a lot about Cattenaccio. It doesn't matter that half the players think it's coffee with chocolate sprinkled on the top.
  10. Weigh the players.
Chapter 3

BEFORE THE MATCH

  1. Weigh the players.
  2. Pick the lightest players for the teamsheet.
  3. Make sure at least 4 players are out of position.
  4. Persuade them they can win this match (remember to keep a straight face). Weigh your words carefully.
  5. Talk tactics- make sure you bought some at the newsagents - no-one likes bad breath.
  6. Weigh the players.
  7. Put on that dead smart calf-length Asics coat (right way round this time).
Chapter 4

HALF TIME

  1. Weigh the players.
  2. Make sure you're in the right dressing room.
  3. Weigh your own players.
  4. Get that Pie and Bovril off Gerry Creaney.
  5. Remember that management is a magical blend of art and science in which the best can facilitate their team to perform consistently at their peak by encouragement rather than coercion, by persuasion rather than bullying.
  6. Shout at the players.
  7. Turn it round - remember to tell Hally that he's kicking the other way in the second half.
  8. Shout a bit more.
  9. Weigh the players.
Chapter 5

AFTER THE MATCH

  1. Congratulate the other manager on his narrow and rather lucky victory.
  2. Weigh the players.
  3. Shout a lot.
  4. Avoid the press.
  5. Blame the referee.
  6. Weigh the players.
  7. Take off that dead smart calf-length Asics coat and throw it against the wall.
  8. Shout a bit more.
  9. Weigh the players.
Chapter 6

BUYING A PLAYER

  1. Know all about the player you want, eg his weight.
  2. Weigh the player.
  3. Show the other manager you'll not be messed about.
  4. Tell him to get stuffed.
  5. Weigh the player.
  6. Tell the player and his agent to get stuffed.
  7. Go back to Fratton Park and weigh the players.
  8. Don't let the realisation that you've not bought a single player since you came here depress you. STICK TO YOUR GUNS. Weigh the players.
Chapter 7

LEAVING THE CLUB

  1. Weigh the players.
  2. Blame the lack of success on fat players who for some reason didn't take it seriously.
  3. Remember, you had to go - some bastard nicked the scales.
  4. Try to get that dead smart calf-length Asics coat back from the physio.
  5. Look for new job.
  6. Buy new scales.
Chapter 8

TERRY FENWICK'S DREAM TEAM

  1. John Pounds
  2. John Scales
  3. Jean Avoirdupois
  4. Johann Kilogram
  5. John Bushel
  6. John Peck
  7. John Troy
  8. John Atomic
  9. John Stone
  10. Juan Tonne
  11. Arthur Kilo
  12. Jasper Carat
  13. Anorexia (gk)
  14. Terry Waite
Chapter 9

TEN THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT TERRY FENWICK

  1. Favourite songs: "My Weigh", "He ain't heavy (he's my winger)"
  2. Favourite film: The Thin Man
  3. Favourite Actresses: Sharon Stone, Prunella Scales
  4. Favourite Programme: Weightwatchers
  5. Favourite Singer: Gordon Lightfoot
  6. Favourite Sport: Sumo Wrestling
  7. Favourite Pastime: Skinny Dipping
  8. Favourite Actor: Jean-Claude Van Gram
  9. Favourite Band: The Rolling Stones
  10. Favourite Drink: Light Ale (and he hates Stout)

Based on an original idea by G. Ross O'Besity and Hugh Jaass.